Dear Dr. Simcha,
About a month ago my partner and I decided to split up. It was a mutual decision, seeing as we weren’t happy being in a long-distance relationship any longer. I moved to Amsterdam for my master’s and have been living here for a year now. I see myself staying in this country for a long time, but he would rather stay in Paris (which is where we were living before). It took us about a year to realize things weren’t working out anymore. But even though we both decided to break up, I still feel so sad and miss him a lot. It’s been a difficult summer, and now that my studies have picked up again, I’m happy to have that as a distraction. But I’m still so sad and keep wondering whether I made a mistake or not. Can you please help me out? Love, J.
Hi J,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this tough time. Heartbreak is such a difficult subject matter, because you are essentially grieving the loss of a person, as well as the relationship you could have had or envisioned for yourself. As much as I would like to give you a quick fix to end your pain, there’s no pill that will cure a broken heart. The fact that you both decided on the breakup hopefully softens the pain a little. But these things hurt, and I completely get why you’re trying to find a way to get rid of the pain as soon as possible.
Time and patience
My biggest advice is to give yourself time. I do believe you have to go through the pain to come out better in the end. It’s always easier to seek out distractions – like plunging into your studies, as you mentioned. And it might be helpful to have these activities or a certain routine to hold onto. But try and give yourself at least one moment in the day when you are by yourself to allow the grieving. Do not try and fix it, but just allow yourself to feel sadness and be kind to yourself.
The right people
People often act on impulse when they are experiencing strong emotions, such as the ones related to heartbreak for instance. I strongly encourage you not to act on that impulse. Be around loved ones and allow yourself to be picky in the people you surround yourself with. Sharing pain and receiving empathy from others without judgements is very nurturing in dealing with heartbreak. But do remember that only you can know what is best for yourself in the end, and that loved ones often try to find solutions to help you out, but that these might not always be what you need. So, if you feel overwhelmed by advice or the worries of others, perhaps consider speaking to someone who can offer you impartial support, such as a rabbi or student counselor at your university.
Trust yourself
Unfortunately, seeing as I do not know the full story of your relationship, it is quite difficult to give advice on whether you made the right choice or not. I do believe that your gut probably told you something and that you decided to go with that decision. And yes, it will take time to heal, but it is also a beautiful thing to be sad about, because it means that you and your partner had something special. Sometimes it’s just not the right time and perhaps he was not right person for you. A month is a very short time for a breakup, especially if you’ve been together for a long while.
When the time is right, you will know whether you made the right decision or not. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
Dr. Simcha
